Let's Fix Hockey...or why I know nothing about NHL

FYI: This post was originally published on February 12, 2008 on my SportingNews Blog, it has been slightly modified to what you see here. Sometimes I'm asked why I never write about specific sports (especially hockey)...here's why. Please note, the suggestions I make are (mostly) tongue-in-cheek. I truly don't care for hockey, but even I recognize some of my ideas are bit too radical. However, I hope they are food for thought at the very least.

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I know nothing about hockey. There – I said it. That’s the first step to recovery right?

“But fanofreds,” you ask, “why write about hockey if you don’t know anything about it? Isn’t that a waste of both your time and the reader’s time?”

Ah contraire my little italics speaking friend. In fact, sometimes the best way for other people to understand the weaknesses within their favorite sport is to read somebody else's (negative) opinions...

Alright, well, how about you tell us what you do know about hockey…you’ve got to know something don’t you?

Indeed, my opening statement wasn’t to be taken literally. I know that hockey is played on ice, with a black puck. I know that the professional hockey players were on strike recently, and I know that I didn’t miss them because SportsCenter could be devoted to other sports that I did follow. I know that hockey played a game outside this year, perhaps around Buffalo? I know I didn’t watch the game, nor do I care who won. I know hockey has a penalty box and a zamboni to resurface the ice. I don’t know why I know that.

So, you do know something about it. Can you name any professional NHL teams? Perhaps you know more about hockey than you thought Mr. Fanofreds.

Not really Mr. Slanted Text. Here’s a funny story for you that demonstrates the extent of my hockey apathy. I remember, back in third grade, one of my buddies asked me what my favorite hockey team was. I, of course, had no idea who to pick so I picked the Penguins…not because they were from my home state of PA, but rather, because the penguin was my favorite animal at that time. To this day, I still claim the Penguins as my “favorite” team…but you won’t find many TSN Blogs written by me about the Penguins (a total of 1 entry, compared to 83 about the Cincinnati Reds).



Look at the bright side, at least you didn’t choose them in a bandwagon-style.

Indeed.

Since you appear to be an avid sports fan, why don’t you like hockey? Are there specific reasons?

What a great question, one that certainly requires a bit of thought. Hockey, much like basketball, seems to be too much going back and forth down the rink/court and not enough action. As an ex-high school wrestler (a good 40 pounds ago), I have legitimate reasons to dislike basketball. Hockey, on the other hand, always struck me as a boring basketball game. Besides that, I always found hockey a bit difficult to watch. Keeping track of the puck used to be quite difficult…though I hear they’ve added some television technology to help with that nowadays.

Back and forth?! It’s a game of skill, full of excitement and strategy.

So is ping pong, but have you ever sat next to a table and watched a game? You’ll be dizzy in no time flat from watching the ball bounce back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth…

Enough already, alright wise guy – how would you fix hockey? In other words, make it more interesting for the “average” fan?

You asked for it, here you go:
Fanofreds’ Quick Fixes to Hockey:
1. Goalies pads reduced to the sizes of armor worn by Mr. Barry Bonds. Players should be able to score with a well placed shot. Before you start complaining that the scoring would be off the charts, look at soccer. Have you ever compared the size of the goalie to the size of the goal? It’s amazing there is EVER a 1-0 game…and yet it’s the norm because the players know the value of teamwork and defense.

2. No penalty box. Let them fight, but don’t stop the game. If a fight is going on and a goal is scored, all fighting players should get kicked out. If that’s too harsh, institute a yellow card / red card system like soccer.

3. Shrink the league. Hockey in Florida, c’mon now…you don’t see professional baseball in the arctic circle. Make it 2 six-team leagues, top two teams from each league play each other in a best 5 series (with the team with the better record being home in games 1, 2, and 5). Then the league winners play each other in a best of 7 series for the title.

4. Shorten the season, begin it in December, and let it hit its peak during January, and put the playoffs during the “dead sports time.” That way, hockey will be done before March Madness, and the NHL will have full stage during the month of February with its playoffs.

5. Institute those four ideas, and you’ll end up with a vibrant, highly competitive league with the playoffs occurring during a time where there is little sports news.


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My thanks go out to Mr. Italic Writing Guy, who seemed to know the exact questions I wanted to answer.