Saturday, September 20, 2014

Saturday Night Fights: 2010 Topps vs...2010 Topps!

Ring announcer (in a loud, drawn out voice):  "In the red corner, weighing in a 5 cards (approximately 3.5 ounces)...  2010 Topps Update Series."

Commentator Jim:  "This pack goes by the name of Super Fly MoJo and proudly wears the belt proclaiming him to be the 'exclusive trading card' of MLB.  Super Fly MoJo brings a record of 4-23-2 to the fight and is currently on an 18 fight losing streak."

Ring announcer (in a loud, drawn out voice again): "The challenger,  also weighing at exactly 5 cards is...  2010 Topps Update Series."

Commentator Bob:  "This pack goes by the name of BubbleGump and is challenging Super Fly Mojo for the right to be the exclusive trading card of MLB.  BubbleGump brings a record of 2-17-0 to the fight and is currently on a 9 fight losing streak."

Jim:  "While 2010 Topps packs almost always lose a pack battle, if you face one 2010 Topps versus another, one of them has to emerge victorious, right?!  Stay tuned for the epic showdown after these messages."

Bob:  "I have no idea what that ad was all about Jim, how about you?"
Jim:  "I can only hope that this fight has more swagger than that ad."

Ring Announcer:  "This fight consists of five rounds.  The referee was out sick so you two will have to self officiate the fight.  And now, let's get ready toooooooooo ruuuummmmmbbbblllleeeeeeeeee."

Bob:  "Ohh, Super Fly Mojo lands a swift kick to BubbaGump's gonads with the Haren flying scissor kick."

Jim:  "BubbaGump's must have a steel pair as he brushed off the kick to the baby maker and countered with left hook that just missed Mojo's noggin'."

*Bell Rings*

Bob: "Although a cheap shot for sure, Super Fly's Haren kick to Gump's man beans wins him the round.  1-0 heading into round 2.  But first, a word from our sponsors."

Jim:  "Seriously Bob, can't we get a real sponsor?  Who writes these ads anyhow, a monkey with a typewriter?  Awful."
Bob:  "I can't argue with you there but maybe round two will produce our own epic GIF to be used for all future fight promotions."
Jim:  "If you ever use the word 'epic' again I'll show you what a real punch looks like."
Bob: "..."

*Bell rings*

Bob:  "And with that, we begin round 2."
Jim:  "BubbaGump has to know he's behind after the first round..."

Bob:  "...which probably explains the two-fisted hammer punch that he just tried to lay on Super Fly Mojo."
Jim: "Mojo was ready for it though, look at that beautiful two-handed block.  You have to hand it to Mojo, that block was probably enough to win the round seeing how the bell's about to ring."

Bob:  "Yep, I have it 2-0 in favor of Mojo."

*Bell rings*

Bob:  "Folks, we will not be cutting to commercials in between rounds this time.  Instead, I would invite you to check out our Twitter poll of the evening.  Who's do you want to win tonight's fight:  Mojo or BubbaGump?"
Jim:  "What's Twitter?"
Bob:  "Now I should punch you."

*Bell rings*

Jim: "BubbaGump has got to win this round or else simply go for the knockout.  That's easier said than done..."
Bob:  "OOOOH.  Look at that overhand Felipe that Gump lands on Mojo."

Jim:  "Mojo's not knocked out but he sure does have a stupid expression on his face right now."

Bob:  "This round will go to BubbaGump to make the score 2-1 in favor of Mojo."

*Bell rings*

Bob:  "Yes, Gump's behind but that blow to Mojo's skull really seemed to shake him.  Next thing you know Mojo will be diving into the stands hiding from future Punch-inos."
Jim:  "That was a terrible pun."
Bob:  "And yet, I have a feeling my pun was better than our next ad..."

Jim:  "I'm beginning to wish they'd bring back the swagger wagon."
Bob:  "I think Edward Scissorhands was more appealing than whatever that was..."

*Bell Rings*

Bob:  "Enough blabbering about scissors, the real cutting action is right here in the ring as round four begins."
Jim:  "BubbaGump had stunned Mojo at the end of round 3 but it looks like the commercial break gave Super Fly Mojo enough time to recover."

Bob:  "I would say so, look at that overhand smash by Mojo.  That's definitely not a fun, fun, fun way to get hit.  I would even go so far as to suggest that BubbaGump get help, perhaps from Rhonda."
Jim:  "You are awful."
Bob:  "I think BubbaGump liked my one-liner.  Look at him laughing."

Bob:  "How he's able to hear me in the midst of being pounded like a Little Duece Coupe going up against a 409 in a race though is up for debate."
Jim:  "Seriously, get off it man."

*Bell Rings*

Jim:  "This fight looks to be all but over.  BubbaGump is laughing at Bob, SuperFly has been laying beat down after beat down..."
Bob:  "...and yet one round remains.  You know what they say, that's why the fight."
Jim:  "Before we get to the final round, we have to pause once again for these messages."

Jim:  "Seriously, water for women is a thing now?"
Bob:  "Worst wet t-shirt contest ever."

*Bell Rings*

Jim:  "Here it is folks, the final round!"
Bob:  "BubbaGump is going to need a miracle here to pull this one out."
Jim:  "And it looks like he won't get it...  SuperFly Mojo just landed his second flying kick to Gump's man nuggets!"

Bob:  "That's uncool."

Jim:  "That appears to be what BubbaGump thinks...and the ringside announcer too!"
Bob:  "Wait, what did the announcer say?!"

Ringside announcer:  "SuperFly Mojo has been disqualified for repeatedly kicking BubbaGump in the shrimp and oysters.  BubbaGump wins!"

Bob:  "It's over, I can't believe it."
Jim:  "Promise me we'll never do this again."


Play at the Plate said...

Do it again. Do it again.

--David said...

Hahaha! Man, this was awesome. Thanks for the laughs.

P-town Tom said...

Swa Swa Swagger wagon... That'll be in my head all day...

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